What Are the Possibilities When You Work with a Coach?

• You take yourself more seriously.
• You take more effective and focused action immediately.
• You stop putting up with what is dragging you down.
• You create momentum so it's easier to get results.
• You set goals that you might not have done without your coach.

What happens as you gain emotional intelligence? You learn to identify your emotional "triggers." Perhaps the most toxic of all emotions are anger and hostility, for they rob us of peace of mind and the ability to think and act clearly. Hostility can literally kill you by repeatedly stressing your cardiovascular system with a flood of stress hormones designed for brief "fight or flight" encounters.

How Can You Overcome Your Anger?
One way is to "reframe" your anger. Get to know it. Do some inner research, and find out the real "story" behind it. Perhaps, as a child, you were never allowed to go somewhere that was dear to you, and you are still holding deep anger for your father or mother. Your cells hold the memory, and every time a similar incident comes up, you get triggered. You may need to go back and, as Kramer says, "collapse the dysfunctional belief system" that is limiting your possibilities. This may mean letting go of your long-standing resentment and forgiving your parents. Remember, forgiveness is letting go of the need or desire for someone else to apologize for the hurt we suppose they caused us.

Paul Gard's participation in the ManKind Project (formerly known as New Warrior's group) in Indianapolis, helped him "see how my lack of understanding of my feelings put me in situations that I did not deal with in a healthy way, both in day-to-day life and in my relationships. For instance, if I was angry, I might blame you for my anger, whereas now I realize that you may be tapping something for me that is historical, or you may be breaching a boundary I have not set."

In the past, "I might have engaged in shaming behavior—punishing you with my anger—believing you were the perpetrator and I was the victim," he says. His work with the ManKind Project has changed his ability to respond. "Now I can contain my anger, bring it somewhere else, maybe to my men's circle, and sit and talk about what needs to happen. That, for me, is emotional literacy."

You Stop Buying into Media Messages.
Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D., physician and author of Making Peace With Your Past: The Six Essential Steps to Enjoying a Great Future, says "We all live in a hierarchy of competition and comparison; we are never smart enough, successful enough, handsome enough. We hold on to painful fantasies of our sexual and romantic histories. We judge ourselves, and the media reinforces it, causing a deep sense of unworthiness. And it's all an illusion. The truth is, each of us is a child of the universe, and we can make our way through the cultural conditioning and discover a new passion for living."

The dominant cultural story for American men is that of competition. "Men are taught not to share—that's vulnerability," notes Buck. "For women, it's the issue of accommodating others, of always being the caretaker. If you want to stop a conversation, ask a woman what she wants, and ask a man what he needs," says Buck.

Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom" and editor of Health Wisdom for Women, maintains that cultural and media messages often set unhealthy ideals. The impossibly thin image of a model, who looks more like a "prepubescent boy with breasts" than anyone we know, would be so unreal as to be almost laughable, if we didn't take it so seriously.

You Become Aware of Your "Narratives,"
timeworn scripts that may be guiding you to repeat past actions, even if they are counterproductive or painful. Do any of these narratives ring true for you?

• "I'm not good enough."
• "I'm not smart/pretty/handsome/tall/thin enough."
• "I screwed up again! I can't do anything right."
• "I know my schedule is busy, but when I'm alone, I feel depressed."
• "Men need to be strong at all times and never reveal their weakness."
• "If I don't risk being vulnerable, at least I won't get hurt again..."