When a couple's sex life has turned sour, physical problems may not be the only factor. There's often an emotional component too, says human sexuality expert Barnaby Barratt, Ph.D., president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists.
"From 30 years of clinical experience, I can tell you that all people — even those who think they're very cool about sex — have conflicts that create shame, guilt and anxiety."
As a rule, too, both people in a relationship contribute to the sexual problems. "Finger-pointing and blaming are never productive for improving a couple's sexual life, because inevitably in this context it takes two to tango," Barratt says.
Putting yourself in each other's position can be a helpful first step in recapturing the sexual spark, and for that, it helps to know about the following Mars-Venus differences between the sexes.
Women React Differently Than Men to ...
An X-rated video
It's what they see that arouses most men. While some women find it sexy to see erotic pictures or scenes in magazines or on videos, others are totally turned off by them. Words ("I love you" are three to try) and touch (a gentle caress in a nonsexual way, for starters, or a back or foot rub) are better-bet approaches to melting your female partner's heart and preparing her for a passionate rendezvous.
A touch on the cheek
Nonsexual touch can be exciting for women, though it's seen by many men as a needless delay on the way to sex play. A soft, nongenital touch is a romantic way to convey affection, women tend to feel, so men might be better off skipping the sex video in favor of an affectionate cuddle and caress.
Watching sports while making whoopie
Women want their man to be present in the moment while making love. Forget watching football players making a great play; keep your eye on the ball in your own bedroom if you want a chance to get lucky tonight. Men can wreck the romance even with the TV turned off, by focusing too much on their erection and disconnecting from the sexual moment.
Women's Work
Women, make an effort to understand his sexual preferences. Leaving the TV on while making love might be a lot to ask, but understand when he views a "nongenital" touch as just a waste of time. Once in a while, skip the romantic steps and get right down to the sexual stuff. For foreplay, consider this for a compromise: a pornographic video that actually has a plot!
Need Help to Heal Your Sexual Relationship?
If none of these suggestions help to repair your sex life, you might consider turning to a sex therapist for help. To find a sex therapist certified by the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, go to the organization's Web site, at www.aasect.org.
