What Tom may not be aware of is that there is a connection between Sue's desire and her day-to-day life. She often claims to be too tired for lovemaking because of the kids. But suppose one evening Tom says to Sue, "I'll take the kids for an hour so you can relax and do whatever you want."

This generosity might cause Sue to feel a surge of love for Tom, creating an atmosphere in which sex can ignite. For Sue, Tom's act is foreplay.

"You have to honor the reality and experience of the other," says Love. "You have to jump in there and respond to the cues; you have to find out what says, 'I love you' to your partner."

Practical Tips for the High-Desire Partner
In "Hot Monogamy," Love gives the following suggestions to help restore the balance between high- and low-desire couples. If you're the one with high sexual energy:

• Accept the fact that your partner may need extra stimulation to become fully aroused.
• Refrain from deliberately heightening your level of desire; this will exaggerate differences in desire.
• Honor your partner's sexual preconditions about lovemaking.
• Consider satisfying some of your purely physical needs through masturbation.
• Redirect some of your sexual energy.
• Don't confuse lust with love. Your partner's low sexual desire does not mean a lack of love. If it were, you'd see it played out in all areas of the relationship.

Pointers for the Reduced-Desire Partner

• Take more responsibility for your sexual arousal and make room in your life for sex (write and sign that contract!). Follow through when you do feel in the mood and note the conditions that drive your desire so you can duplicate them.
• Be clear and reasonable about your sexual preconditions and requests.
• If you choose not to have sex, say so without feeling guilt. If you make an effort to compromise with your partner, you don't have to feel guilty when you say no.
• Celebrate your mental desire. Your willingness to get into your partner's frame of mind and create more desire in yourself is a reason to rejoice.